Changes
by daynaa
Summary: CatherineSara friendship. Contains themes of bisexuality so if that upsets you, don't read it.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: Okay so this is my first femslash. Actually, I don't even know if it will be, but it has stuff about bisexuality, homosexuality, and things relating to that. So if you don't like that sort of thing, then don't read this. Please review, please flame if you don't like femslash or things relating to it, or just review and tell me what you thought. Well that's doing that but sdfjkal kay I'm confusing myself. Goodbye.

Disclaimer: Guess what? I own nothing. Astounding, right?

We had grown close over the past few months. I needed a friend, a real friend, not an enemy, not a boyfriend. I was tired of the stupid games we played, the way we competed, the way we could never agree. I have to admit, I started it. I wasn't exactly friendly when she joined our team, and it's just escalated from there. I decided that it was time to put an end to that, after the incident with Brass, I realized how easily it could be her, how easily it could be any of us. Our whole team had grown closer after that, but she and I especially. I remember the day she told me. That fateful day. I had asked her why she never talked about a boyfriend because we both knew I'd praised, and cried over, many men throughout the mere months of our friendship, but she had never. She had always comforted me, related with me, but never named a specific name, a specific time, a specific guy. She was always vague when it came to relationships. I know why now. I remember the conversation, I remember the fear in her eyes…

"Sara, can I ask you something?" I had asked.

"Sure Cath." She answered absentmindedly.

"Why don't you ever talk about a boyfriend?" I inquired. She turned to face me then, as she had been watching a show on TV, probably only half listening to me before.

"Because I don't want one." She answered, seeming honest. But of course, I didn't understand, and I wasn't one to leave things in a confused manner.

"I mean, I'm sure lots of guys ask you out…" I pressed.

"Well, I guess." Sara shrugged, not seeming to interested in the conversation.

"Well why don't you give it a try with any of them?" I wondered. "I mean, they might not all be right for you… but you could still have some fun?"

"I do have fun." Sara told me. "Cath, there's something about me you should know…" And when I caught her eye, I detected something undeniable that I had never seen in Sara Sidle's eyes before. Fear.

"You can tell me anything Sara." I assured her.

"Promise you won't freak out? Or get mad? Or never talk to me again? Or…" She would have continued with a list if I hadn't cut her off. I had never seen her so timid, scared, so unsure of herself before in my life.

"Sara, I promise. Whatever it is it can't be too bad." I told her with a smile.

"I'm bisexual." She finally said, just above a whisper.

"Sara," I told her, restraining a laugh. "It's completely fine with me!"

"Really?" She looked back up at me, smiling hopefully.

"Yes!" I reassured her. "I've known you for years now, and I've been good friends with you for months! You've always been that way, whether I, or even you, knew it or not. Nothing's changed."

"Yeah." She breathed a sigh of relief. "You're right."

"Aren't I always?" I joked, and she laughed, throwing a pillow at me. Soon after, a full out pillow fight began. We didn't mention it again for over a week. I mean, it was nothing to mention right? It wasn't as if I had never had bisexual friends before, or a girl had never hit me on. Everything was as normal as could be until a week later, when I wasn't so sure about myself.

It was one day after work, when Sara came into my office looking happier than I'd seen her in a long time. "What's up?" I asked.

"You won't believe what happened last night! I wanted to tell you earlier, but…" She trailed off.

"I know, you and your professionalism, keep going." I encouraged her.

"Okay. So last night, I was getting some things from the store around the corner of my building, and I saw a lady from my building who I'd seen a few times before, and Catherine, she is so gorgeous!" It made me smile how a week ago, Sara was afraid to tell me about her sexuality, and now, she was talking about it as if it were the most normal thing in the world, because to her and I, it was. "And we started talking. She invited me to her apartment for coffee the next morning, which is today! She works nights as a nurse at Desert Palms." Sara told me excitedly.

"That's awesome Sar!" I told her honestly.

"What's so awesome Sara?" Greg asked in his usual charming way, as he entered my office, without knocking I might add. "The fact that I've come to ask you out to breakfast?"

"Quit batting your eyelashes Greg, it won't work." Sara told him with a giggle. She looked at me, and I knew she was going to tell him too. In a way, I was glad that she was becoming more open about it. She shouldn't feel like she had to keep things a secret from our team, but in another way, I was sad, jealous even, that I wasn't the only one that she trusted enough to tell anymore though I knew that she told me first, and that was a big step for her.

"You know you want me." He joked playfully.

"Actually," Sara laughed. "I don't." Greg's face fell. She was going to end their playful bantering, and any chance he ever had right here. "But don't take it personally okay? It's not your fault."

"Sara, it has to be my fault." Greg pouted.

"Trust me Greg, it's not your fault." I backed Sara up.

"Greg, I'm… I don't know how to say it…" Sara stuttered. "I'm… I like girls."

"What!" Greg shook his head. He must have been dreaming. "You like girls?"

"Yeah." Sara nodded, afraid at his reaction. She shouldn't have been. If he told anyone, or had a problem with it, she should have known I would kill him I mean, we both _do _know how to hide a body like no other.

"Wow!" Was all Greg said. "That is so hot!" Sara just laughed. Only Greg, only Greg. "I have to go give Grissom a report though." He told her, still wide eyed.

"Bye Greg!" I called to him as he was leaving.

"And don't tell anyone?" Sara added.

"You've got my word." Greg nodded as he scurried away.

"He's crazy." Sara rolled her eyes at me, and I laughed.

"That he is." I agreed.

I felt like I knew her, Emma was her name. Sara thought she was in love. She talked about her quite often in our conversations, and I was content to listen as Sara had listened to me talk about whichever man I thought I was in love with that week. Emma did sound like an amazing girl, and I'm sure I told Sara that a thousand times, for I could never think of anything else to say. At times I got slightly bored, for Sara could talk for hours about her. Emma this, Emma that. But my friend was in love, and that's all that should have mattered right? Wrong. I found myself going out more and more at night similarly to how I used to act back when I had been a dancer. Getting drunk, being a tease, after hearing Sara talk about how amazing Emma was, how gorgeous Emma was, how perfect Emma was, I felt a divine need to be appreciated. So I made sure I was. Sara noticed, after a while, that I had stopped inviting her out with me at nights, and when I did, I always left early with a different guy. She called me on it too, as Sara was all honesty.

"Cath, are you sure you're okay with it all?" She asked.

"Yeah. You know I don't say things I don't mean." I told her. I really didn't. I was perfectly okay with her being the way she was.

"Well, it's just, we hardly go out together anymore, and when we do, you always leave…" Sara pointed out.

"Sorry, I've just been feeling a little down lately." I admitted, "Lately I keep feeling like being me isn't enough."

"Catherine," She told me with a smile, "You should never feel that way. You are amazing, beautiful. Any guy would be lucky to have you! So find the right one, and stop settling for what you know isn't the best."

"Thanks Sar."I answered, honestly feeling better about herself. And they hugged. "And when do I get to meet Emma?"

"That's why I came over here in the first place! We're official!" Sara was beside herself with excitement.

"That's awesome Sara!"I told her. "I'm really happy for you!" I pulled her into a hug. "So I'll get to meet her soon then?"

"Definitely!" Sara nodded. "Dinner at my place tomorrow night? The three of us?"

"Sounds good to me!"I nodded. Little didI know that things were going to change, and sometimes, change wasn't always a good thing.

A/N: So should I continue?

Reviews? Greatly appreciated!


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two:

A/N: I am aware of the difference between bisexual and lesbian. I will explain later on why I used one term over the other. And thank you to HoneyLynx86 for pointing out my sudden inconsistency at the end of the chapter there; I think I have it all fixed now!

--&

"Catherine Willows, this is Emma Delgado." Sara looked happier than I had ever seen her before, which made me happy as well. I smiled brightly at the woman in front of me, who was indeed very attractive.

"It's very nice to meet you, finally." I told Emma. "I feel like I already know you." Sara blushed at this, but Emma's smile just grew wider.

"I feel the same way. Sara's said so much about you." Emma informed me, and this, for some reason, made me happier than I had been before. "And all wonderful things. So you two both work at the crime lab? That must be such an interesting job!"

"It is." I nodded, and Emma and I continued in courteous, friendly conversation from which Sara was disengaged. She simply sat there, I observed, with a look of pure happiness on her face. After we'd talked about our work, and Emma's work, the weather, and any other general topics we could think of, the conversation ceased. I wasn't sure what to say. Normally I would have inquired as to the nature of their relationship, but I didn't want to cause awkwardness, or an argument over where they stood in their relationship, so I decided to veer away from that topic.

"So Sara tells me you used to be a dancer?" Emma decided to take a trip down memory lane.

"Yeah." I nodded, forcing a smile this time. What else had Sara told her about my past? It wasn't something I went around bragging about… I had told her things that I didn't want anyone else to know. How much had she told Emma?

"That must have been an exhilarating career. One I was interested in myself when I was younger."

"Yeah, it had its ups and downs." I sighed, trying not to radiate the confusion and bit of anger I felt. How much of her own life had Sara told her about? It took her years to open up to me… yet she opened up to Emma in such little time. I knew what I was feeling, an emotion that was practically alien to me, and most likely the one I hated most. Jealousy. I was jealous that Sara had Emma, that I wasn't enough. I was jealous that she had found someone else, someone else that she spent more time with than me. Someone else that she felt more comfortable with than me. Someone else that she loved more than me, even though our love was strictly platonic. We were friends, because I didn't like girls, right? I never had before. But if I didn't love Sara in more than a platonic way… why was I so jealous?

"Cath?" Sara called.

"Sorry!" I smiled, well tried to smile. "I was lost in thought."

"That's okay." Sara told me with a smile. A smile that made me forget about all my previous worries for a minute. Why was it that she could make me forgive her of anything with one second of attention on only me? No one had this effect on me ever. I was dominant in every relationship; I was the one who kept other people waiting, who other people forgave. Never the other way around. I didn't like this, not one bit.

--&

We were almost completely silent through dinner. Sara, knowing me the way she did, could sense something was wrong and Emma miraculously decided to remain silent. There was, naturally, the occasional "Great dinner Sara" or a joke about how we didn't think she'd actually cook, or that she'd order takeout. The awkwardness wasn't completely suffocating, or even overly obvious, but it was there nonetheless. It was then that Emma excused herself to go to the washroom. I was expecting Sara to ask what was wrong, like she usually did when she knew something was wrong with me, but not for the first time that night, I was wrong.

"Emma is so great, isn't she?" Sara sighed contently. "Do you like her?"  
"Yeah, she's great." I lied through my fake smile. Sara just sighed again, staring off to the direction of her bathroom where Emma had disappeared.

"I'm so glad you like her. I was worried you wouldn't." Sara admitted. "I'm thinking about telling the rest of the team soon."

"That's great!" Another lie. It wasn't great. Just one more thing that used to be special between Sara and I that no longer was. Things were changing, changing fast. But I couldn't be jealous. That wasn't right. It was then that Emma returned to the table. And the dinner was over soon after that. They invited me to watch a DVD with them, but I declined. I said I was tired, and Lindsay was waiting for me to help her with schoolwork at home. They were so wrapped up in each other, they didn't realize it was Friday, so the homework excuse was invalid, and I was nearly jumping to get out of my seat I was so filled with energy. Energy, jealousy, desperation. Filled with emotion, that was for sure. They were too lost in each other's eyes to notice me at all. So why would I want to stay? I wasn't one to be left out; I wasn't one to be ignored. That's probably why I ended up in a bar forty-five minutes later. Each shot I downed was accompanied, probably out loud, by my muttering a reason of why Emma was not right for Sara. And when I got drunk enough, probably reasons why I was. But when I sobered up, Sara was probably still with Emma, physically, and was still with her emotionally, most definitely. I needed to talk to someone about this, but I couldn't. Well, I technically could, but I shouldn't, because I'd have to explain to them about Sara being not straight, and I'd either have to say it was Sara, or explain her personality, and they'd know it was Sara… but did it really matter? Obviously she had told Emma things about me that I didn't want her to know, that I had told Sara in confidence, so maybe her definition of confidence, her perception of a secret was different than mine. Maybe.

Odd ending? Yeah, well I thought so. Thank you to everyone who has been reviewing, I don't think I have any odd inconsistencies here, but if I do please tell me! Thanks for reading, and reviews please?

Dayna


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter Three:

A/N: Thank you for all the reviews! Gosh, I haven't been updating much at all. It's my birthday today, but I don't feel like going to bed. When I wake up it will seem more like my birthday hah, I think anyways. Anyways, on with story:

When I'm not with her, she's all I can think about. It seems like I'm thinking about her a lot more than usual as I am seeing her a lot less. It's been a week since I've met Emma, and outside of work, I've only seen Sara once without her. I've talked to her, sure. It seems she's always having alone time with Emma, or I'm doing something with Lindsay… and when we do see each other outside of work we're at the diner with Nick, or Greg, sometimes Warrick or Grissom, we're never alone. It almost breaks my heart. I miss her, talking to her, joking with her. Telling her anything I feel. We were so close there for a while, closer than I'd ever been with anyone. Then Emma came along… and now everything, our friendship, it just seems like it's worth nothing. And I know that's silly, because what Sara and I had… have, is much different than what she has with Emma. Sara is not in love with me, and furthermore, I am not in love with Sara. I'm straight. I hate when things get screwed like this. If Sara was straight, I probably wouldn't be having this conversation with myself… not that I have anything against Sara not being straight, or anyone not being straight for that matter… but it'd make things a hell of a lot easier for me if I'd never had to start thinking about it. Lindsay knows there's something wrong with me, so no doubt the guys do. Sara might too, if she'd make time to say two words that aren't case related to me these days. When we do talk, I guess I should tell her how I feel. Not the jealousy, but the hostility, and the way I miss our time together. Maybe it'll get better, once the novelty of the new relationship wears off… or maybe they'll break up.

"Catherine?" I hear a faint voice from behind me, but I don't bother turn around. Catherine is a common name. "Cath?" The voice is closer now, and sounding strangely like Sara's. This time I turn around, and speak of the devil.

"Hey Sara." I greet her, trying not to appear as depressed as I feel. "What's up?"

"Nothing… just getting ready to leave." She answered, as she started putting away her things in her locker.

"Going out with Emma tonight?" I asked, trying to keep the hint of either sarcasm or hurt out of my voice.

"Actually, no I'm not." Sara answered.

"Oh." I sigh, trying not to sound too pleased. "Would you like to go out somewhere then?"

"Sure." Sara answered with a smile, making me smile as well. I couldn't stay frustrated, or upset, or whatever I was with her for long. "Where do you want to go?"

"I kind of feel like dancing tonight, actually." I decide after a moment of thinking. Dancing could always cheer me up, because if I knew nothing, I knew I could dance.

"Sounds good." Sara smiled. "How about I'll pick you up in an hour?"

"Sure." I nod, throwing some more things in my locker before grabbing my keys and turning to leave. "See you then?"

"See you then." Sara echoed as I left. I walked briskly to my car, not bothering to stop and say goodbye to anyone else as I made my way throughout the lab. I had to get home and get ready to go out. I need someone, anyone, to help me get my mind off of things. This was the perfect opportunity to find a random, disposable man to take home with me for the night. It wouldn't help that Sara would be there to find out how it feels to be left out for once either. By this time, I was pulling out of the parking garage in the lab, and soon was on my way home. Driving the maximum speed limit all the way, I was pulling into my driveway in no time. I hopped out of my car, slamming the door as I went. Rushing into the house, I headed straight for my room.

"Mom?" Lindsay called from the living room.

"Hey Linds." I called back as I began to rifle through my closet. "How was school?"

"It was okay." Lindsay answered. "What are you doing?" She was leaning against my doorway now, watching me quizzically as I pulled outfit after outfit from my closet.

"I'm going out tonight," I told her. "Well, Sara and I are going out."

"Oh." Lindsay thought it over for a moment, "I haven't seen Sara for a long, long time. Is everything okay with you guys?"

"Yeah." I nodded. "She's just been really busy."

"New boyfriend?" Lindsay wondered.

"Something like that." I sigh, knowing it wasn't my place to divulge secrets of that sort to my daughter. "So you'll be stuck with Grandma for the night."

"I heard that!" My mother called from the kitchen.

"Sorry Mom." I called back, smiling because of the amused smile Lindsay has on her face from seeing me being reprimanded.

"That's okay." Lindsay shrugged. "I'll probably head over to Lauren's house later anyways."

"Alright." I nod. "Have fun, and be safe." She makes a face at my last comment. "I know you hate to hear that… but I know what kids your age are up to these days."

"Mom, you have nothing to worry about. Except getting ready to go out and have fun tonight! So do that. I'm going to finish my homework." Lindsay tells me as she leaves the room.

"Good girl." I laugh. Turning back to my clothing dilemma, I realize I have at least seven outfits that would be ideal for a night out dancing. But which one to go with? I decide a dress will be a safe bet. Sexy, but in a classy, casual way. Exactly the look I want. After ensuring I was wearing proper lingerie for the type of night I was planning, I pulled on the black dress. I hadn't worn it for quite some time, but luckily, it fit me as well as ever. The low neckline clinging to my bust and the hemline sitting mid-thigh. I head over to the mirror next, brushing my hair through and then moving onto make up. Retouching my concealer quickly, I then pick up the eyeliner pencil to darken the amount already applied for work to something more bold and daring for a night out. Next comes mascara, then eyeliner. Clasping on a string of pearls to complete the outfit, I give myself a once over and decide I'm ready to go.   
"Mom!" Lindsay calls from her room, where she is presumably doing her homework, but more likely talking to someone on msn or myspace. "Sara just pulled up." Perfect timing. I grab my purse, and head for the door, remembering as I leave the room to slip on a pair of black heels. By this time, Sara is at the door chatting with my Mother. Even more wonderful, now we may never get to leave. Spraying on a little perfume before I finally leave my room, I can tell it is going to be a marvellous evening. And it hadn't even started yet.

A/N: Wow. Hah. I haven't updated this in 39842 years. I started this chapter like, forever ago. But that's cool, it's finished now. I should be in bed, haha as I have school tomorrow… but I drank a bunch of pop earlier, and now I can't sleep. Thank you caffeine. Hah. Review please? Thank you!


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